God gives everyone gifts to bless others, and in our individual vocations we wrap those gifts and give a happier Christmas to those God puts in our lives.
Welcome to Part 9 of a new weekly series on the formation journey of Josh, a first-year novice at the Marian House of Studies in Washington, D.C. Watch for a new entry every Friday.
Christmas 2020 was a point of transition in my vocation discernment.
I was living with my sister Sarah in Redding, California, and the door to me remaining with the Franciscans was closed. I was still shaken by the impact of the Commissioners’ unexpected decision not to accept me into the institute.
One of the hardest things to bear was that, while I was in Franciscan friaries, God often gave me an incredibly intimate encounter with the Holy Spirit, a closeness I never experienced outside the friaries. Now I was back in the world.
The Encounter with the Holy Spirit was the single strongest tug that kept drawing me back to the Franciscans, no matter what difficulties I experienced. Without it, I feel like I’m in a desert, reduced to drinking trickles of water squeezed from plants rather than dipping my face into a running stream.
This light of God in my soul was for me like the star guiding the Magi to Jesus and Mary. It kept me knowing I was headed in the direction that was best for me.
What to do, now?
Spiritual light
It was early morning, still dark outside in Redding, and winter’s chill filtered around me. I was wearing sweatpants and two sweaters. There were Christmas lights shining around me, casting pretty colors around the room.
Suddenly, sweet and delicate spiritual light penetrated into my heart. It was the Encounter, not one of my lesser experiences of sweetness with God’s Spirit, but the same thing I’d only felt in Franciscan friaries.
The light was refined, delicious. Its unexpected flash within me was brief, lasting only a few seconds, but that was all I needed.
Jesus came to me that Christmas, in the Spirit’s light. I saw my Bethlehem star once more. Jesus was teaching me something very important: That from now on, He no longer meant to restrict His Encounter to the Franciscan friaries, for me. My vocation discernment was, in a sense, “unlocked.”
Before I left the Franciscans of the Immaculate, I had a dream in which I wrestled with the Child Jesus and He won, throwing me into the sea. This was soon fulfilled when the Commissioners decided not to let me join.
However, in the same dream, after I was thrown into the sea, I saw God’s Kingdom spreading and taking over a city.
Later, I dreamt that I was at a Franciscan friary, but all the doors were closed to me. I went away and found a Christmas tree standing tall, with many people gathered around.
The significance of the Christmas tree in this second dream is that the Holy Spirit came to me on Christmas in 2020 in the same manner that He came at Franciscan friaries. My vocation to the Franciscans was shut down, but the Holy Spirit would still intimately be with me elsewhere.
Jesus came to me that Christmas, in the Spirit’s light. I saw my Bethlehem star once more. Jesus was teaching me something very important: That from now on, He no longer meant to restrict His Encounter to the Franciscan friaries, for me. My vocation discernment was, in a sense, “unlocked.”
Mary's House
When I joined the Marians, again I began dreaming about Christmas.
I dreamt that I was outdoors in darkness, at night, carrying on my back a bag of unwrapped Christmas gifts for others.
An incredibly beautiful young maiden (the Virgin Mary) spotted me outside and took pity. She opened the door of her well-lit house and invited me inside.
Thrilled, I came into the light of her house, and she invited me to her side to wrap the presents I was carrying.
I gladly began wrapping presents. Mary herself was preparing Christmas decorations, and one of the objects was a huge fabric decorative piece. When she folded it, an edge of the piece fell and flopped on the floor, but she shrugged.
She said, “It’s all right, it doesn’t matter.”
“Mary’s house” is the Marian Congregation, and Mary invites vocation discerners inside to “wrap presents,” or to prepare to bring others the gifts that God gave them.
Mary’s lack of concern about her disordered fabric speaks to me of her mercy toward all our mistakes and failures. We often want our performance to be perfect, maybe because we’re fearful, proud or insecure, or maybe because we want others’ greater happiness, but we make mistakes anyway!
Mary was saying, “Let that go. It’s okay.”
God gives everyone gifts to bless others, and in our individual vocations we wrap those gifts and give a happier Christmas to those God puts in our lives.
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Next entry: "Examination of Conscience."
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